So I’m
back.
It’s been a
long time since I posted (gosh I really didn’t realise exactly how long) and there’s a variety of reasons for that
– time, motivation and family all factor – but mainly I have to come clean and
admit that mentally I wasn’t able.
These past
months have been challenging and I have found myself feeling overwhelmed,
inadequate, anxious and depressed. My rational brain tells me this is partly
understandable, for who wouldn’t be overwhelmed with building a house, moving,
and keeping school, work, therapy, marriage and afterschool activities on
track?
But this
has been deeper, crippling, continual and difficult to extract myself from.
In the end,
despite weeks of trying to pack, cull and clean in preparation for the move to
our new house, it was chaotic and frenetic - everything I had been trying to
avoid. If not for the dogged insistence and hardwork from my parents, it would
have been an unmitigated disaster. I will be ever-thankful to them. We just
made it, but it left me exhausted at a time when I wanted to be energised.
We moved
whilst in the persistent grip of winter. Heavy frosts dulled my excitement of
finally giving up the renting treadmill. Bouts of heavy rain left our new house
surrounded by un-traversable, oozy clay mud and washed our long driveway into
the street, leaving deep ruts to be negotiated by four-wheel-drive only. One
night my husband literally ended up sliding one of our cars down the driveway,
all traction lost to the mud, slipped between the gateposts, to finish at the
mailbox miraculously unscathed.
Despite the
double-glazing, the first six weeks in our new house felt cold. Perhaps
erroneously, we chose to delay window treatments, partly for financial reasons,
partly to ‘live’ the house for a bit to get a good feel for what will work.
Whilst the sunrises and morning views from our bedroom each morning have been
nothing short of stunning every single day, it’s also left me feeling unable to
retreat and hide, literally and figuratively, in those cold evenings when I was
already feeling very alone in a vast world that I don’t always fit in.
Boxes of stuff abound in every space. Budget
contributed to our choice to delay built-ins for our master wardrobe, for book storage,
for garage storage, for everything so it seems. So the boxes for some weeks
were only partly unpacked where storage or a make-do solution could be found. I
found myself rootling through boxes in the garage several times, socked-feet on
icy, dusty garage floor, looking for work appropriate footwear that hadn’t made
it to the jumble in our wardrobe yet.
Our elderly
dog Gus has noticeably also been affected. In July we were forced to make the
awful decision to give peace to our dear Maisie, who we’d had since a pup, but
at the age of 16 was facing severely deteriorated health and comfort. We buried
her on the slope near our new house, under the gums, looking over us and the
valley. I still can’t visit her without tears, so I avoid it.
So these
are all, as they say, first-world problems. Big boohoo. They didn’t cause my
illness. I believe my onset started as a result of sudden, life-threatening
illness as a child which has impacted my life every day since. I recall being
mentally paralysed by anxiety each weekend before I had to go to my part-time
job as a teenager. It flared several times during my years at university. It
became more serious in my late 30’s in the lead-up to my son having serious
surgery and was diagnosed by my GP. Embarrassment and a feeling of not being
supported led to me rejecting medication. The intervening years have been a
battle I’ve valiantly tried to win but my physical health has declined,
bringing fatigue and reignited feelings of helplessness. My new GP confronted
me about it as I detailed every one of my physical ailments. She heard what I
wouldn’t say and made a new diagnosis and helped me to realise that right now,
it’s more important than any of my other health problems. So now I know it’s
not going away and I need to own up to it. I need to stay on it.
So no, I
haven’t posted updates about our house build for some time. We are living here
now and it brings challenges but the feeling of permanence, which I was
craving, is returning after not living anywhere permanently for over 6 years.
It feels good to put pictures on the wall, to put plants in the ground and to
make choices which will have a life of more than 12 months. The weather is
getting warmer – perhaps more than is normal – but I occasionally steal 10
precious, quiet minutes of a morning, between my family leaving for the day and when I have to
leave as well, to sip a steaming cup of tea in the cool morning air on my new
verandah.
I quietly
watch the sun rise and the birds, kangaroos and numerous wildlife continue their
evolutionary journey, feeling privileged and joyful to have been a brief part
of it, letting myself be open to whatever the day brings, and feeling gratitude
that though I am not perfect, I am here and life goes on; in, and around me.
