Absence without apology.

So I’m back.

It’s been a long time since I posted (gosh I really didn’t realise exactly how long) and there’s a variety of reasons for that – time, motivation and family all factor – but mainly I have to come clean and admit that mentally I wasn’t able.

These past months have been challenging and I have found myself feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, anxious and depressed. My rational brain tells me this is partly understandable, for who wouldn’t be overwhelmed with building a house, moving, and keeping school, work, therapy, marriage and afterschool activities on track?

But this has been deeper, crippling, continual and difficult to extract myself from.

In the end, despite weeks of trying to pack, cull and clean in preparation for the move to our new house, it was chaotic and frenetic - everything I had been trying to avoid. If not for the dogged insistence and hardwork from my parents, it would have been an unmitigated disaster. I will be ever-thankful to them. We just made it, but it left me exhausted at a time when I wanted to be energised.

We moved whilst in the persistent grip of winter. Heavy frosts dulled my excitement of finally giving up the renting treadmill. Bouts of heavy rain left our new house surrounded by un-traversable, oozy clay mud and washed our long driveway into the street, leaving deep ruts to be negotiated by four-wheel-drive only. One night my husband literally ended up sliding one of our cars down the driveway, all traction lost to the mud, slipped between the gateposts, to finish at the mailbox miraculously unscathed.

Despite the double-glazing, the first six weeks in our new house felt cold. Perhaps erroneously, we chose to delay window treatments, partly for financial reasons, partly to ‘live’ the house for a bit to get a good feel for what will work. Whilst the sunrises and morning views from our bedroom each morning have been nothing short of stunning every single day, it’s also left me feeling unable to retreat and hide, literally and figuratively, in those cold evenings when I was already feeling very alone in a vast world that I don’t always fit in.

Boxes of stuff abound in every space. Budget contributed to our choice to delay built-ins for our master wardrobe, for book storage, for garage storage, for everything so it seems. So the boxes for some weeks were only partly unpacked where storage or a make-do solution could be found. I found myself rootling through boxes in the garage several times, socked-feet on icy, dusty garage floor, looking for work appropriate footwear that hadn’t made it to the jumble in our wardrobe yet.

Our elderly dog Gus has noticeably also been affected. In July we were forced to make the awful decision to give peace to our dear Maisie, who we’d had since a pup, but at the age of 16 was facing severely deteriorated health and comfort. We buried her on the slope near our new house, under the gums, looking over us and the valley. I still can’t visit her without tears, so I avoid it.

So these are all, as they say, first-world problems. Big boohoo. They didn’t cause my illness. I believe my onset started as a result of sudden, life-threatening illness as a child which has impacted my life every day since. I recall being mentally paralysed by anxiety each weekend before I had to go to my part-time job as a teenager. It flared several times during my years at university. It became more serious in my late 30’s in the lead-up to my son having serious surgery and was diagnosed by my GP. Embarrassment and a feeling of not being supported led to me rejecting medication. The intervening years have been a battle I’ve valiantly tried to win but my physical health has declined, bringing fatigue and reignited feelings of helplessness. My new GP confronted me about it as I detailed every one of my physical ailments. She heard what I wouldn’t say and made a new diagnosis and helped me to realise that right now, it’s more important than any of my other health problems. So now I know it’s not going away and I need to own up to it. I need to stay on it.

So no, I haven’t posted updates about our house build for some time. We are living here now and it brings challenges but the feeling of permanence, which I was craving, is returning after not living anywhere permanently for over 6 years. It feels good to put pictures on the wall, to put plants in the ground and to make choices which will have a life of more than 12 months. The weather is getting warmer – perhaps more than is normal – but I occasionally steal 10 precious, quiet minutes of a morning, between my family leaving for the day and when I have to leave as well, to sip a steaming cup of tea in the cool morning air on my new verandah.

I quietly watch the sun rise and the birds, kangaroos and numerous wildlife continue their evolutionary journey, feeling privileged and joyful to have been a brief part of it, letting myself be open to whatever the day brings, and feeling gratitude that though I am not perfect, I am here and life goes on; in, and around me.